It has been a full year and a couple of months since I started over. The journey has not been an easy one. The months leading up to that moment were awful to say the least. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep and wonder if it is all worth it.
I would like to think I am a kindhearted person, with a lot of love to give. Nothing gives me more joy than to leave a smile on someone’s face; you need help, I would always be your girl. Now, hear me out, I’m certainly not in the business of blowing one’s own horn, but I do give credit where credit is due. I believe I have earned the credit. Today I proudly wear my crown because I am QUEEN.
You are never fully prepared for the curveballs that life is going to throw at you. It’s a rollercoaster ride; one minute you are up and the next you are down. It is when we get to embrace this ride that we find ourselves, our strengths and our weaknesses. There is a reason to this rollercoaster after all.
Like gold must go through a burning furnace to be perfected, we have our rollercoaster to keep us in check. It is not always a walk in the park, but as life would have it, it becomes a much needed call, a wakeup call. A liberating call to self-discovery.
So, one day I woke up to being hit by reality so hard, it felt like a kick in the gut. This was not what I had ordered from life. I had a plan and timeline so clearly mapped out. There was no room for any detours. Unfortunately, by the looks of things, I had taken a very long detour and I didn’t know how to head back. That is where it began to spiral.
I was in a place I was not familiar with; kind of like being lost in a big city with no one to trust. You start asking around for directions (in this case validation). You lose confidence in what you believed in because it is not working out. You start to see glimpses of your map as you look around, but they are not comforting, because the comparison game is already playing. Then your own feelings start to betray you, the voices in your head start to haunt you. You are not worthy.
Your “unworthy self” starts to get desperate for a lifeline. You are willing to take anything, and you don’t believe in anything good anymore. Why would goodness locate you anyway? What do you have to offer? You make bad impulsive choices just to get a two second high, to feel good about something. You believe what you are told about yourself because the plan did not manifest, and all you knew was the plan; the plan that let you down and so you have cowered.
You take the little that you get and accept poor treatment because mediocre has suddenly worn an expensive suit and looks very enticing. It seems like more than you would have gotten, and you appreciate it. You don’t even look in the mirror anymore because you do not recognize yourself, your shadow can’t even follow you because you are a shadow yourself. Your worth has been tied to what other people say about you, what they think of you. It is dictated by what you can do for them.
Even here still, there is no room for disappointment because your worth will quickly fade away like steam; here one minute and gone the next. You cannot afford to let go of that false sense of being needed and wanted so you do all you can. Your values, principles and ethics are on the line, but where were they when you needed them? You have a bird in the hand now, which is worth way more than two in the bush, so you keep holding on.
You have been told that you will never amount to anything, that you are ugly, you are good for nothing and you can never do anything right. You have been told that you are stupid and naïve, all these horrible things, and you believed them. You believed them because they look like they know what they are saying and doing, they have their maps all figured out. They have at least let you in on their lives and you get to shadow. Looks can be deceiving.
We do not all have it mapped out. Every day is a struggle, a struggle to reach our goals, to tick boxes and move on to the next one. It is a trial and error, there are no instructions. Before I took the decision to start over, I was in my own kind of big city myself, seeking validation and constantly comparing myself. Little did I know I was doing more harm to myself than good. I could not embrace the rollercoaster ride because I felt I was always getting the downside of it.
Feelings are not always right. It was an almost impossible journey; I was so close to being completely broken. However, I got up, dusted myself, went back to the basics and took it a step at a time. I crawled before I walked, now that I am walking the aim is to run all in hopes of flying one day. Today though, I walk, and I pat myself on the shoulder because I am not where I was yesterday, and my progress is mine. I am my own validation. I know my worth and I carry it with pride. Be proud of who you are and love yourself. No one gets to tell you what you are worth!
About Motlagomang Hoala
Motlagomang is the founder and CEO of Dexterous Holdings. The company was registered in 2019 and has clients both in South Africa and Lesotho. It is a business consultancy company that provides the following services:
- Business profiles, proposals and plans
- Bookkeeping and Accounting
- Transcriptions, proof reading and editing
Dexterous Holdings operates also digitally so as to adhere to the Covid-19 safety regulations but still delivers quality work, nonetheless.
Email: [email protected]